Well, I’m feeling accomplished! Happy, Happy, Happy.

I’ll explain shortly, first, one of my moderately-more-than-slightly-off-topic-hidden-meaning-stories.

In life we’ll all make a presence, that being what people see us as, who people think we are, the image that we relay onto other people.

The problem is, we also have a presence of ourselves, in our mind we see an image of who we think we are and how we see ourselves. This here opens up a paradox, is the person you think you are, the person everyone else sees? Is the person everyone else sees, who you really are? Do people think you are someone that you aren’t?

Don’t you just love these questions, all written slightly differently, all betray a different meaning . . . anyways, (Note, has anyone realized how many times I say ‘anyways’? I say it almost every post, I’ve noticed it . . .) whats your image of yourself?

For example, my social presence, is an entirely different entity to that of who I think I am in my mind, am I just stubborn? Ignorant? I think the other name for it is ‘Up myself’?
Do I think that I’m something more than what I really am?

In my mind I see what people might see me as, I came up with many possibilities, but I also think about who I think I am. Socially I feel that other people see me as a smart-alec, a crazy, funny, smart, maybe weird, and I also feel that they think of me as an outsider. But I feel as if I don’t act as if I should, almost as if, when I talk to friends, I’m just acting, acting as if it were all drama, a huge play, making me feel and wonder, “Who am I, really?”

It also makes me understand how I can be many different people, when we do have drama classes, or when I just want to have a bit of fun, I can act and become different characters, and feel as if I’m that person, as if I split into another consciousness and my train of thought mutates into another.

And I wonder, the reason for me being developed in acting and characterizing, is due to the fact I’m always acting, acting a social shell, a person within screaming in pure hell as he screams to be let out and people to see him, people to see the person he is.

But my image of myself, deep within me, is a calm, negotiating, serious, wise, being. When I imagine it, I’m always surrounded by darkness, my hair cascades horizontally from the back of my head through to the front in a lightning bolt, and I’m standing there in a black leather trench coat. (Normally I’m standing with my hands on the face of another, eyes gazing into the eyes of the other, but thats another story)

I know that as you read this you think that I’m up myself, that I’m thinking of myself to be amazing when really it’s just some pathetic act . . . I don’t know

But is this guy me, or is he just the one calling all the shots, maybe I can never be him, because he is a true divine, and that true divine cannot be a person, but can only be a host that channels thoughts into the client.

Agh . . . It’s painful sometimes, I’m left with routes and routes of leading thoughts, I come to a fork in the road with thousands of different paths, and I try and walk down them all at once and I get swarmed with so many amazing things but I can’t type them fast enough, then they vanish in seconds, lost forever.

My posts alone start and lead off into branches, they are that which many would find confusing.

Does anyone else feel this way, that there is a person inside? But not like the person on the inside, someone wiser, smarter, but your not sure if you are him, or he is you, or if you are her, or she is you, or if its just who you wish you were, or want to be . . .

This has been my 90th post since this blog started in 2005, I’ve begun posting more frequently than I did when the blog first came out, I’ve averaged from about a post every few months right up to a post or more a week. But keep in mind, I’ve deleted alot of older posts because I didn’t like them, or thought they were pointless in keeping, also posts have been moved to more relevant places like Ben A Ball Music and Author blogs.

On this blog there are 5 posts left from 2005, when the blog first came out.
There are 17 posts left from 2006, 14 from 2007, 7 from 2008, 26 from 2009 and finally 2010 with 18.
2010 and I’ve already written more posts than I did in 2006, 2007 and 2008, and the year isn’t over yet, in 2009 I wrote 26 posts, thats for the whole year, I’m already at 18.

But where is this leading you say?

Well, in the last 3 months, this blog has recieved more than 300 visitors, I’m looked at the stats and I was stunned, the visitor count was low, low then the moment July hit, it climbed up to 150, then straight up to 300 in August. according to the stats I have 353 Australian readers, 83 United States readers, 30 Taiwan readers, 12 Canadian readers and 6 others.

Now that’s pretty amazing, and this also leads back to my whole ‘Home and Away’ styled story amoment ago about presence.

I’ve made an online presence. Google or Bing ‘Benaball’ and my blog will come up, If you Google it I will be the first two results, Bing it and I’ll be the second result.

But as to the readers, all you brilliant annonymous people.

Thanks.

Thanks for making my world, happy.

Got a new car the other day, it’s small, silver and flash, and has more gadgets on the dashboard panel than a NASA spacecraft would have on it’s on board computer.
As it accelerates it sounds like an aeroplane that’s been put in a soundproof room so that all you can hear is a gentle humming . . .

It’s almost like a toy car that’s been up-scaled and pushed into the production line.

First new car we’ve ever got, and that’s proven by that new car smell that you get as you sit in the passenger seat, I wonder if in the factory they have a sprayer that shoots the new car smell scent into the seats, carpets, lights, roofing . . . I don’t know . . .

Anyways, what I have noticed, is that this new car, like my new rival standing on the opposite end of the street equip with a small hand pistol, is receiving king treatment. As if it were a god, it gets polished, shined, watched, monitored, slowly driven . . . everything is taken in the greatest of care, to ensure it’s ‘everlasting’ youth.

So it comes as no surprise that people start cursing and saying the world is going to end when this new holy-god-worship-worthy car gets a scratch on the passenger side of the dashboard.

My bag is the culprit apparently, that’s what they said about 10 times while trying to rub the scratch from existence with their finger. Yeah, okay, I’ll accept that it’s my bag, but seriously, our old cars never got scratches when I stuck my bag in, only thing that that tells me is that this new-holy-god-car is either not built well enough, or its had so much pampering that it decided to relax.

You didn’t pamper our old cars, worry about them getting scratches or worry about them getting dirty, why should it be any different?

I mean it’s a car forgodsakes, the scratch on the dashboard doesn’t differ the performance of the car, it doesn’t slow it down, damage the axle or make the car illegal to drive on the road. The only thing it does is upsets perfectionists, who need a vista of elegance and professional clean-cut wherever they go.

Wrong? Sorry did I hear correctly?
If I’m wrong then prove it, give me one good reason why this scratch makes the car horrible.
Yeah you’ve had the car for a week, Yeah it’s gotten a scratch.
But what’s it matter?
Eventually it will get thousands of scratches, whether it got a scratch now or then doesn’t matter. As I said before, it doesn’t slow the car down, damage the workings of the car, make it impossible to see the road.
You can’t keep the car clean and shiny forever, otherwise you won’t be able to use it for anything.
Driving slower to ‘keep the car clean’ and ‘not getting as many bags’ so that ‘it doesn’t scratch the seats’

You’re just slowing yourselves down by taking double the care trying to keep the thing looking posh, I already have a mental image in my mind of you hiring a specialist to come in and wax and clean the car everyday.

Appearance, appearance, appearance . . .

The only other thing I can think of that would be so bad about the car having a single scratch (Well, two if you include the one on the dash of the drivers side, can’t blame that on me!) would be that it would make it cheaper if you tried to sell it later on in the future.

1. All used cars have scratches, everything that moves, can get damaged.
2. By then this car isn’t going to be worth anything anyways.
3. If you were going to sell it in a few years, then why did you buy the thing?

Last example to finish up.

Let’s say you have a watch, and you scratch it,
As long as the scratch doesn’t;
1. Make the watch uncomfortable to wear, being the scratch inside the wristband
2. Make the time impossible to read, being the scratch along the face of the watch
3. Dig so deep as to damage the clock’s inner workings making it useless
Then it shouldn’t matter!
It hasn’t changed the performance or workability of the watch,
It just annoys you because it doesn’t look nice.

Tsssk, Tsssk

I’m done here.

Learn New Words
Vista– the view, looks, the visuals
Perfectionists– people who have 
everything as best as they can be, perfect

I’ve recently recovered, well, think I’ve recovered, from a hideous cold or hay fever, not sure which one it was, but either way, it proved to be an uncomfortable, head ache starting pain, especially during school.

Anyhow,

It gave me an interesting thought, to do with the body controlling itself. We all know it does, it controls breathing, digestion, blinking, movements, germ control, it’s crazy what this thing does, we think we are in control of our body entirely, but really we’re just like some space thats been put in these bodies so that we walk talk and make the place smell bad, without us inside these bodies the body would stand there, wouldn’t communicate, talk, or anything, it would just breath, blink, stand there staring off into the distance, absently. . .

It’s weird, I had the strangest feeling that my body didn’t like what I was writing then . . . oooh spooky. .

You may be thinking, “Why on earth are you talking about this?” well basically, the whole body does it’s own thing sprung up to mind as I was practically dying of a the cold/hay fever thing. I blew my nose countless times, green slimy mucous blasted into tissue after tissue, moistening the tissue to such a state that it deteriorated in my hands, sliding through my fingers onto the floor leaving a green snail-like trail.
(Did I give enough detail?)
And with my nose blowing, my eyes also watered, as I looked at myself in the mirror it appeared as if I had instantly been submerged in water . . .
At school, of which I had to go whilst I was sick, my eyes watered countless times during the day, so much to the point that I could practically predict when the next ‘Eye Watering’ would take place.
During P.E. we lost a game of Vollyball, and as if my body was trying to have a laugh, my eyes started to water just as the game came to an end.
“What you crying about? It’s only a game,”
Oh please, personally I couldn’t care less if I lost a game of ‘Vollyball’
I don’t expect one as myself to be good at a game which would normally be carried out on a beach.
I don’t like the beach.

Anyways
Later on we had Maths, and Society and History, both of these classes my eyes watered again.
Normally I would sneeze, then my eyes would start watering, and last but not least my nose would instantly start to run so fast as if it were trying to break a 100m sprint world record, out my nose and down my shirt. It kinda sucks, because I have to instantly do 3 things at once, tissue to mouth for sneeze, tissue to eyes for watering, and tissue to nose for running.
I think my body is enjoying itself . . . Grrrrr!!!
Whenever in inquisitive about something, a bit confused, I don’t go to the shop and buy a puzzle, I just ask my favourite three letter word.

W H Y

Why does my body make my eyes water? It’s obviously not helping!
Why does my body make my nose blocked, when I eat food it clears up and when I stop eating it blocks again, what’s it trying to do? Force me into obesity?
(Comes back to school on Friday, much larger than usual,
“What happened to you?”
“Had a cold.”)
I don’t get it sometimes.

When I eat food my nose clears up and is fine, this makes me think that my body clears up my nose because it wants the food, its only thinking of itself, and yet normally, it lets the nose block up and eyes water, because it’s just me suffering, I don’t mean anything to my body for it to want to clear up the nose for me just for my comfort, or to close the valve on the watery eyes just for me.

Or, what if my body isn’t aware of me?
What if everybody’s body is this way, I mean it tells us when we are hurt, but what if, just what if, our body is an entirely different being, and we, the conscious of that body are not, and cannot, be seen or noticed by that being, we are irrelevant.

Therefore, the body doesn’t care about discomfort that I feel, it cares about actual pain, because actual pain, because actual pain effects it, actual pain will tell it to repair itself, to send blood to that area, where as my discomfort is my problem and it doesn’t notice it.
When I eat, it detects the food and opens up the nose so that it can get enough oxygen whilst I have either food or drink in my mouth.

It may not notice me, but it’s smart.

Just think about it, do you get the idea that I have here?
Separate from our body . . . We just operate it, the body itself is a whole other being, that doesn’t actually see or feel us, it just operates the insides, then again, it may even see everything we see, it may think thoughts like we think, it may be reading the words I am typing through my eyes, it has no control over my arms, or my thoughts, it may be afraid, it may be in wonder, it too may be thinking about this being that it can see, it may not be able to read, it may not even think about the things it sees or what I am doing with the body.
Imagine not being in control of your bodies movement, but being inside instead, constantly having to monitor the heart, the breathing, the germs, the blinking, the digestion, everything, non-stop for as long as you live, feeling trapped, as the thing you are looking after is being run around by some weird person.
You have to wonder these things.

But whatever this body may be, whether how I describe it or not.

It’s smart.
Except for the nose thing . . .
But it’s smart.

On the bus the other day I looked at our relief bus driver, at first I had been looking around the bus at the countryside vista out the window, but I glanced past the bus driver, and noticed his ears.
Larger ears than normal, this relief bus driver was an older chap, he looked about 50-60, probably a little older, but let’s stop picking on the bus driver, what sprung to my attention was this:

There was a kid talking to the bus driver for the first half of the ride, now from where I was sitting, about the same distance as the kid was to the bus driver, I could just hear what the kid was saying to him, and I wondered, “How can the bus driver hear that?”
And the bus driver wasn’t just going, “Yeah, okay, ahuh.”
He was making genuine replies.
That’s when I noticed the ears.
On the human body the two things that will never stop growing are your ears, and your nose, and think about this, because I think there is a logical, clever reason for this.
As you grow older your senses grow weaker and weaker, your hearing is one of these.

You’re body, the body, keeps your ears growing to account for the fact you get weaker hearing!
By making a larger ear, you get a larger area of which sound can bounce on your ear and vibrate all the little hairs in your head that send the info to your brain.
It’s doing it on purpose! Or is it?

As for your nose, it still grows, but why?
Is it an attempt to prevent hay fever and colds by making it harder for contaminants to enter your system?
Is it similar to the hearing thing, it makes the nose longer in an attempt to make up for the smell you’ve lost?

Phew it’s a lot to think about.
And looking at this page I’ve written,
A lot to read and type, I’d better apologise to my body for using it’s fingers for such a long time. = P

And a whole new thought cloud sprung up a moment again!
I’m not going to talk about it now,

But its going to be about us hearing differently, we hear one way, but what if another race hears differently?

Anyways

Good day