Well, I’m feeling accomplished! Happy, Happy, Happy.
I’ll explain shortly, first, one of my moderately-more-than-slightly-off-topic-hidden-meaning-stories.
In life we’ll all make a presence, that being what people see us as, who people think we are, the image that we relay onto other people.
The problem is, we also have a presence of ourselves, in our mind we see an image of who we think we are and how we see ourselves. This here opens up a paradox, is the person you think you are, the person everyone else sees? Is the person everyone else sees, who you really are? Do people think you are someone that you aren’t?
Don’t you just love these questions, all written slightly differently, all betray a different meaning . . . anyways, (Note, has anyone realized how many times I say ‘anyways’? I say it almost every post, I’ve noticed it . . .) whats your image of yourself?
For example, my social presence, is an entirely different entity to that of who I think I am in my mind, am I just stubborn? Ignorant? I think the other name for it is ‘Up myself’?
Do I think that I’m something more than what I really am?
In my mind I see what people might see me as, I came up with many possibilities, but I also think about who I think I am. Socially I feel that other people see me as a smart-alec, a crazy, funny, smart, maybe weird, and I also feel that they think of me as an outsider. But I feel as if I don’t act as if I should, almost as if, when I talk to friends, I’m just acting, acting as if it were all drama, a huge play, making me feel and wonder, “Who am I, really?”
It also makes me understand how I can be many different people, when we do have drama classes, or when I just want to have a bit of fun, I can act and become different characters, and feel as if I’m that person, as if I split into another consciousness and my train of thought mutates into another.
And I wonder, the reason for me being developed in acting and characterizing, is due to the fact I’m always acting, acting a social shell, a person within screaming in pure hell as he screams to be let out and people to see him, people to see the person he is.
But my image of myself, deep within me, is a calm, negotiating, serious, wise, being. When I imagine it, I’m always surrounded by darkness, my hair cascades horizontally from the back of my head through to the front in a lightning bolt, and I’m standing there in a black leather trench coat. (Normally I’m standing with my hands on the face of another, eyes gazing into the eyes of the other, but thats another story)
I know that as you read this you think that I’m up myself, that I’m thinking of myself to be amazing when really it’s just some pathetic act . . . I don’t know
But is this guy me, or is he just the one calling all the shots, maybe I can never be him, because he is a true divine, and that true divine cannot be a person, but can only be a host that channels thoughts into the client.
Agh . . . It’s painful sometimes, I’m left with routes and routes of leading thoughts, I come to a fork in the road with thousands of different paths, and I try and walk down them all at once and I get swarmed with so many amazing things but I can’t type them fast enough, then they vanish in seconds, lost forever.
My posts alone start and lead off into branches, they are that which many would find confusing.
Does anyone else feel this way, that there is a person inside? But not like the person on the inside, someone wiser, smarter, but your not sure if you are him, or he is you, or if you are her, or she is you, or if its just who you wish you were, or want to be . . .
This has been my 90th post since this blog started in 2005, I’ve begun posting more frequently than I did when the blog first came out, I’ve averaged from about a post every few months right up to a post or more a week. But keep in mind, I’ve deleted alot of older posts because I didn’t like them, or thought they were pointless in keeping, also posts have been moved to more relevant places like Ben A Ball Music and Author blogs.
On this blog there are 5 posts left from 2005, when the blog first came out.
There are 17 posts left from 2006, 14 from 2007, 7 from 2008, 26 from 2009 and finally 2010 with 18.
2010 and I’ve already written more posts than I did in 2006, 2007 and 2008, and the year isn’t over yet, in 2009 I wrote 26 posts, thats for the whole year, I’m already at 18.
But where is this leading you say?
Well, in the last 3 months, this blog has recieved more than 300 visitors, I’m looked at the stats and I was stunned, the visitor count was low, low then the moment July hit, it climbed up to 150, then straight up to 300 in August. according to the stats I have 353 Australian readers, 83 United States readers, 30 Taiwan readers, 12 Canadian readers and 6 others.
Now that’s pretty amazing, and this also leads back to my whole ‘Home and Away’ styled story amoment ago about presence.
I’ve made an online presence. Google or Bing ‘Benaball’ and my blog will come up, If you Google it I will be the first two results, Bing it and I’ll be the second result.
But as to the readers, all you brilliant annonymous people.
Thanks for making my world, happy.