I just wanted to say, sorry about not posting, not really having any new content, for not doing anything for anyone, I’ve hit a rough spot, I think I’m getting myself out of the hole I’ve fallen into, but nonetheless.
You see I’ve had a lot to think about, heaps to do and I just can’t seem to see how I can do it, I’ve been rushing to update my programs Looper! and Eycon, which recently went up on Softpedia. It makes me happy to see that over 300 people have downloaded my software in the week that my software has been online, I’m happy for that, and I want to work to make that software better.
Along with programs, I have games in development which I’ve had to put on hold, hundreds of graphic photos that need to be edited for a special graphics pack to go on sale, along with school homework which teachers seem to know exactly when you’re already struggling, and decide to throw a bit more salt into the dish to see how it pans out. There is also videos I need to produce, I’ve been working on the scripting and working out the film set for my next series of BGTN or Ben’s Got The News but this has been made even harder to contribute to due to the fact my drama teacher has assigned me to do the filming and editing for a school news show every assembly, this means every fortnight I have to develop a news show and do all the filming, using up more countless hours. Along with dozens of other small tasks I need to accomplish.
If you’re a reader of this blog, then you would have been aware of this already, because you would have read one of my previous posts The Half-Mid-Life Crisis, unfortunately this ‘Half-Mid-Life Crisis’ has been going from that post all the way moment, it links up, but it’s been effecting me more heavily round this time. But that’s about to change. I want to come back.
The walls of this hole are getting muddy, slippery, they shine a silver slick white as the light from the top shines down the abyss, I stare up towards the light, I’m getting out.
Before getting into my ‘magical return’, I want to talk about some key features that have left me, and I dare say many others out there, in a depressed-hibernation state.
My problem is work and tasks build up, slowly as these tasks build up, and before I’ve finished the tasks I have more tasks are given, a lot like a particular teacher at school, with an obnoxious attitude towards a constant stream of school work, discipline and very little time. . . anyway . . . this instantly hits me with a sort of clogging effect, where I feel overloaded, and I become stressed.
This stress then keeps me from sleeping at night, it’s already hard enough for me to shut my brain down to go to sleep, but stress just adds more thoughts to the mix, sending my “Thought Cloud Continuum” into a swirling mess. I can’t sleep for hours, I went to bed early the other night but to no prevail, I still stayed awake till all hours. Then last night, I was awake right until 4:10am, I have to get up for school at 6:50am, so as you would guess, having a thoughtless friend asking me why I’m so ‘shitty’ is the last thing I need to hear, I had answered the same question the day before. There is more to this friend and why that story came to be but that is no conversation for an online blog.
Back to the ‘story’ as the day progressed, we had math, in which my loss of concentration resulted in me doing a whole two pages of work, that’s good, I got the answers right, but it wasn’t the section of maths work we were meant to be doing, so when the teacher said finish “the entire contents of question 6” I stood up and danced around and thanked him for the extra homework, and asked for more. . . . yeah right, no I was annoyed obviously, more stuff to worry about, an entire segment of math homework to complete, brilliant.
|Ben’s Cycle of Work-Related Stress|
The day went like this, sleep deprivation, stress and now, due to the sleep deprivation and stress, I now had a headache to add to the mix. Fantastic.
The basic message behind this, Work leads to stress – Stress leads to sleep deprivation – Sleep Deprivation leads to more work, which goes back to the start of the cycle, and intensifies to a stage of limbo, the uttermost stress that someone can be under, it’s a frozen spot, and this is at the stage most would call severe depression, this may even lead to sickness or death.
But how do I feel better now?
For start I’m going to get a goodnight sleep tonight, by thinking about having a goodnight sleep, in a positive attitude and with the thoughts that “I’m getting better” and that I’m “recovering myself” I’m basically using the placebo effect on myself, tricking myself into getting better, this requires me to completely believe that what I am doing is making me feel better.
But what really got me out of my cycle was the walk home this afternoon, I always walk home from the bus stop, its good exercise, and gives me time to reflect, except this time, it became symbolic.
Last week I had hurt my ankle, twisted/sprained it while playing around outside, I couldn’t walk on it, although I can walk on it now, but my foot still hurts when walking long distances or running about. While walking home this pain in my foot spiked, I could have stopped, but I saw the walk metaphorically, the walk home was me getting better, recovering, and the sore foot was trying to slow me down, it was all the work and stress, trying to stop me reaching my destination. So instead of slowing down, I kept going.
I hope this is the end of this streak for me.
And nothing is pushing me back down.
Thanks for reading, your attention is always welcome and admired,